Fading away
by Marmellatamae
Summary: AU, dark themes, explicit sex. They never married, sith lords never happened, and yet darkness and suffering take over anyway... and Master Kenobi sacrificed everything for the greater good. This story is NOT (at least not permanently) on hiatus. It will be uploaded when I'll figure out the plot I like best!
1. Chapter 1

**Padmé never married Anakin. And this pretty much changes everything, making the universe lighter and destroying everything else.**

 **WARNING: explicit sex.**

 **Fading away**

 _Obi-Wan_

It is three years, one month and ten days that Obi-Wan Kenobi is fighting in the Clone Wars. And it is about six months since he last saw the Jedi Temple. Sometimes, he thinks that there was nothing before that damned war and that he just dreamed about a life with a young and happy Padawan.

(The truth is that he is extremely tired.)

He would like to be able sleep or to properly meditate. He wishes he could just dispel the entire war into the Force, and just go back to whatever he did _before_.

(He is worried for Anakin these days, sickly worried.)

And he misses his old master, Qui-Gon Jinn and their conversation about philosophy and the living Force. He misses debating ethics, just for the sake of debate ( _and he misses him and his gentle touch but that, well, that was a life ago_ ).

But there is another assignment from the Council, and a new mission to accomplish and they have just been called. He fights and gets dirty and he loses a little bit more of his ethics.

 _(How long since you last were in Coruscant? Anakin?)_

He looks up to Anakin; his hard looks, his constant frown, the hard set of his jaw and the scar on the right eye that will never really go away. The younger man is tense, but he is ready for yet another battle, discussing plans with his Capitan and considering alternative strategies. Anakin rubs his chin, deep in thought, and Obi-Wan sights. Anakin is 23 years old and usually boys his age go to the university and ask girls out.

( _He is still younger than I was when I took him)_

And yet Anakin is there, on that ship, preparing a risky battle strategy, with all the weight of the universe on his shoulders. He frowns over the plans and Obi-Wan sees his right hand –his saber's hand- tremble a little. He can feel Anakin's fear trough their bond, no matter how hard the younger Jedi tries to conceal it.

He is now summoning his own apprentice (" _Where is she Rex? Call her, tell her I need her on the bridge now!")_ and Obi-Wan asks himself again what he is doing here. Anakin glances at him, his expression hard and a fierce fire in his eyes, and his saber's hand is now perfectly still.

Obi-Wan knows that he is an exceptional swordsman and a little trembling does not mean anything.

(But he asks himself why he is letting them doing that to _children_ ).

Ahsoka is there in a minute, and she is as ready to fight as her master is; she seems tired but determinate and full of energy as she always is. She is 17 and she has lost the most part of her innocence; but she still grins at Anakin with delight and affection and Obi-Wan is grateful for that.

He grins back, connecting with her in their own special way. ( _What will happen to the other if one of them dies?)_

"Ready, Snips?"

"As always, General Skywalker" she answers, mocking the serious tonality everybody else gets when they address to Anakin.

 _(She does not call him Master, because she is his Commander and he is a General and they are not Jedi anymore)._

They win the battle, as usual, as ever, making the Republic hold, even if it has already fallen under corruption and politics. Six months later they are still winning and General Kenobi admits at least to himself what he has been thinking for the past two years or so.

He watches Ahsoka fight and she is so like her master. She is angry and she is violent and she seems almost feral, a _beast_ , whose very life depends on her ability to kill and to kill again. That is not the Jedi way, but he cannot really blame Ahsoka, because it is very much the _Anakin_ way. He is destroying and smashing and slashing and threatening and he seems desperate but he is winning and nobody is going to stop him.

 _(He is losing himself down here, but he is saving the Republic)_

Anakin is teaching her and he is teaching by example. Obi-Wan fears that the worst mistake he has ever made is suggesting that Anakin should take an apprentice during a war. He thought it would do him good; an apprentice would slow him down a little, make him less reckless and would help him mature as Knight. Knock some sense in that stubborn head.

 _(You did this, Kenobi. You wanted to save him and you gave him Ahsoka, because you were so terrified that he would get himself killed)_

He decides to speak to him; after all, they are the Team and Anakin has to listen to him.

"What do you mean?" Anakin retorts angrily.

"Anakin" Obi-Wan sights again: "She is angry. She fights using her anger to fuel her attacks… She is walking a dangerous path and you know it…"

(He is such an hypocrite – _what about_ _ **your**_ _apprentice, Kenobi?_ )

"Ahsoka seems fine to me" Anakin's eyes narrow.

"She's not –she is losing herself to this war and…"

But Anakin interrupts him with a brisk gesture: "Is she injured?"

"What do you mean? No, I'm just saying…"

"Well, then I do not see your point" Anakin is not looking into his eyes anymore.

"Anakin, anger is not the Jedi w-"

"Oh really?" Anakin makes eye contact again, furious and defensive "Is the Jedi way going to save Ahsoka? Is our wise and most ancient philosophy going to help her?"

Obi-Wan is speechless.

"And tell me, _Master"_ the word is full of mocking contempt and Obi-Wan feels his heart sink a bit "Is our most respected Jedi council going to stop the war and take Ahsoka out of this mess, so she can be the righteous defender of peace she is supposed to be?"

Anakin is almost trembling with anger now and silence falls between them. Obi-Wan looks like he has been physically slapped.

"Look" says Anakin, after a moment, as if conscious of having crossed an invisible limit: "I know she is letting.. umh.. her emotions take the best of her. But I cannot tell her now to be mindful of her emotions, because this is not an exercise, this is not training… this is a war, Obi-Wan"

(Words sometimes elude even the best of diplomats – _Some negotiator, Kenobi_ )

"What if trying to follow the Jedi way she misses a blast in battle? What if she _dies,_ for not shooting first, because it is not the Jedi way?" Anakin looks at him, clearly searching for approval or for permission. It's like he is sixteen again and he is preying his Master to let him get a tattoo.

The older man lowers his gaze.

Obi-Wan knows that he should have expected this but the truth is that he did not. He is older and he remembers what it was like before; he remembers what a Jedi is supposed to be like and these memories prevent him from going mad from self-doubt. Anakin was not a man yet when the war started, and Ahsoka was just a little girl. They have nothing to hold on, they are not sure of what they are going to do, once this nightmare has ended. They both trust Obi-Wan, but he doesn't know how to help them.

 _They have become soldiers together, General Skywalker and Commander Tano._

Anakin touches his shoulder as if to let him know that he is still human, still his best friend, and that he is still _Anakin._

"When this war is over, she will be herself again" he says, but he sounds delusional, even to himself: "When we won't be in this mess anymore, I'll teach her the proper way". Obi-Wan nods slowly and wonders if Anakin still remembers the _proper_ way.

They fight and they keep fighting, losing clones, friends and killing in an endless massacre. They do that for weeks, months, _years_.

Obi-Wan is not often on the field these days – _there are few Masters left in the Council._ But every time he is back with Anakin and Ahsoka it is like he never left. The smell of blood, the clenching of droids, the terrible noise, the bombs exploding, the fighting for every inch of every planet of every system. And Anakin who does not even pretend anymore to be a Jedi; he kills sentient beings and droids alike. To decompress after battles he drinks with his men, he does not meditate.

He has stopped teaching Ahsoka proper sabers' technique, but instead he trains her to kill their enemies. He imitates Dooku's or Ventress's style of fighting – _so she'll be ready next time_. He does not ask Obi-Wan to teach her philosophy or politics or diplomacy – _because, really, this is a war and she is no spoiled princess who needs to know all these pretty things to make a good impression._ But he _is_ teaching her Huttese and they try together to imitate the dialects of the worst scum in the galaxy. He is teaching her mechanics and some useful flying tricks and she is a fast learner – _and she thinks that Anakin was right all along._

"Anakin" Obi-Wan nods in his former apprentice's direction. Anakin greets him with a weak smile.

"Nice to see you again, Master" is tone is cheerful -his eyes are sad.

Obi-Wan wishes he could simply take Anakin into his arms and tell him that everything is going to be fine. Once upon a time, a hug was everything he needed to calm Anakin down and to make things good again.

Obi-Wan grins "Would you like some sparring?" he offers.

Anakin's face lightens up, almost despite himself.

"Well" he considers "I could use a distraction and you need exercise, old man"

Obi-Wan chuckles and he is grateful that sometimes he can still see the boy he trained in Anakin's tense expression. Once the war is over, Obi-Wan hopes that Anakin will leave the Jedi Order. He could be a good mechanics and he could marry and start a family. He would be a good father, Obi-Wan thinks. Ahsoka could simply join Barriss and devote herself to healing techniques, leaving all the fighting behind. They could be happy again.

 _The Holonet_

They get the announcement almost casually, one lazy afternoon on the Twilight, waiting for orders. The Holonet is on and it's delivering all the shitty propaganda they all have grown tired with. According to the anchorwoman, the war effort is going well and they are really close to the final victory.

 _(They are not close and they are not even winning)_

Ahsoka wants to shut the damn thing off, together with the grave tone of the woman speaking. She's about to complain about it with Anakin, but he is reading a report and probably not even listening to the "news". If he was, Ahsoka reflects, he would have probably smashed the fucking thing down.

"But now let's talk about lighter matters" the anchorwoman says cheerfully "Senator Amidala is again on the spotlight! Today she confirmed the rumors that fled around her in the last few months! Here is the service!"

Anakin is now interested, as always when the pretty Senator's name is mentioned. Ahsoka finds slightly annoying that her master behaves like a love-sick puppy whenever _she_ 's around. Anakin, in Ahsoka's opinion, is way much cooler when he drops the serious and well-mannered façade he puts on to try to impress the senator.

"We can say that the signs were there, and the gossip magazines could read them! Rumors said that Senator Amidala has stopped drinking alcohol and we all could see as she abandoned her precious and fashionable corsets to wear more loose-fit dresses! And today she confirmed the good news!"

Ahsoka's brain registers the words, but she cannot really understand them at first. She feels Anakin's shock through the Force and when comprehension strikes her, she has to fight the urge to kick her master's ass. She thinks stupidly that she hopes to be reassigned to Master Plo Koon.

Horrified, Ahsoka watches Padmé giggle in front of the cameras, more beautiful than ever before: "It was quite unexpected, yes" she says with a silly tone that is not at all like her "Clovis and I had been back together for a short time when we found out!" she smiles at the audience and Ahsoka almost expects to see her force-chocked from distance, but Anakin seems too shocked to have any kind of reaction.

"You see" Padmé's voice continues, unstoppable and sweet "We wanted to tell our families first, and we wanted to protect our privacy… But now, it is quite obvious, isn't it?" she adds, hinting at her grown belly: "I'm six month pregnant!" Amidala lets out a small laugh, and Ahsoka feels like she is laughing at Anakin's face, struck here in the middle of nowhere, fighting a war to protect her fucking senate, this fucking Clovis and her fucking child.

Six months pregnant. Ahsoka is not good at math, but she can count and she knows that six months ago Anakin was already here on this same mission. He must be thinking exactly the same, because he waves his hand and shuts the Holonet down.

The silence between them is like an open admission and the truth is as evident as Anakin's pain. His end of their bond is now heavily shielded, but Ahsoka feels all the same like an intruder to witness such display of grief. She would like to say some comforting words, to make some supporting gestures, but they are Jedi and he is not supposed be in pain, as she is not supposed to know all too well what it feels like being jealous and angry and broken-hearted.

"You know" she says, before she can stop the words "You promised me we would spar today". This, she can offer; a distraction.

He looks at her darkly and she holds her breath. "Yes" he says, surprised and grateful.

It makes Ahsoka feel somewhat warmer.

"You fight me this time" Anakin informs her "No boring droids exercises".

Three hours later, Ahsoka lies in her bed, feeling sore, every muscle screaming with pain and fatigue. She is almost dizzy with tiredness, but she still feels Anakin's disbelief and pain echoing in the Force and sleep eludes her as well.

Anakin is tinkering with some droids, desperately looking for something to fix. He does not even try to sleep, knowing that it would be an useless effort. He is furious and hurt, but deep down he cannot really blame Padmé. No woman could have endured forever what he was asking from her; a life of secrecy, a life of longing, a life without children, without a proper home. A life waiting for the announcement of his death, for which she could not even cry in public.

And she had been honest with him, she had told him that it was over and that things could not really go on this way. What she had omitted was the fact that another man was involved, but Anakin is not even sure that she actually cheated on him – _she is too pure, too honest, too kind for that_.

Probably it is exactly why she never married him, no matter how hard he offered to make things between them honest. She knew it would end sooner or later and that all the love she had –she said to have- for Anakin would not be enough.

Anakin really wants to slaughter Clovis and then cut him in pieces, mainly because the man is having the life that was supposed to be _his_. For a moment there, he wishes that Padmé was only a maid, and he an obscure pilot; he wishes that they could just trade all the powers and honors that come along with being a Jedi or a Senator, for a little freedom, for a life in their own hands.

He briefly thinks of Ahsoka, feeling a little guilty for how hard it was today training; no harm was done though, and Anakin clenches his fist wishing hard that everything was different.

 _Anakin and Ahsoka_

They do have sex one time, one year after Ahsoka is knighted.

She had a crush on him those first years together; she was only a girl and he was handsome and young and cool. Besides, it is not uncommon for Jedi Padawans to develop innocuous interests for their masters. He has never thought of her in that way; she is still a little girl in his mind. And even after, when her body blossomed and she became a young woman, he was so used to focus on her shapes to detect and correct mistakes, that he simply did not notice her sexual appeal.

She approaches his bed that night and lies besides him. (And there is nothing strange, they have slept together other times, when the space was just not enough). He grins at her and shifts to make her more room. They are almost happy because they have won and they haven't lost too many lives.

They lie there, in silence, enjoying each other's company. They have been together in that damned war for more than eight years now, but they have shared so much more. They have fought and they have won together. They have saved each other's skin and they have risked everything for the other. They have learnt to ignore the overwhelming sensation of having sacrificed their ideals and their honor to fight a war which is not _theirs. (I won't tell anything to the Council. Mace fucking Windu can come and see for himself what the fuck is happening here!)_.

They have forgotten together what it means to be a true Jedi – _Snips, don't cry, Snips, stop… You did what you had to, to protect the clones, your men, and yourself._ Because, and now it is so obvious, the important thing in this war is to survive, no matter what. Survive and save the people you love – _because Jedi forbid attachments, but you cannot stop loving, anymore than you can stop breathing_.

They do not really think about what they'll do after the war. They both know that they will never be the same again; they are too damaged and hurt. They have seen too many things to just forget, and they know that the nightmares will never go away.

But at least they have each other. And it is looking into his blue eyes, and his young face, that Ahsoka realizes that she is going to kiss Anakin Skywalker. At first he freezes, not quite realizing what's happening. His first impulse is to stop the kiss, because she is Ahsoka, and she is his student and _she is too young for me_.

Ahsoka chuckles. _I'm not, I'm twenty-two and you are only six years older than me._

He closes his eyes and starts kissing her back and, oh, he is so _Anakin._ Fast, hard and passionate. He caresses her tights and gently bites her lower lip. She slides her hand under his tunic and explores his smooth chest, unconsciously looking for the small scar he has very near his heart. They kiss and bite and caress. He grows impatient and thanks the Force for Jedi stamina –he hasn't had any sex in six months and he thinks that Ahsoka deserves something more than five minutes.

Anakin is now on top of her, and his hand is between her legs. His touch is gentle and it is obvious that he is not new to this kind of practices. She moans in pleasure when he slides a finger –and then two- into her. She appreciates his touch and thinks that he is indeed a good lover. She inverts their positions because she is really close and they haven't even _started_ yet. She looks into his eyes and grins to him, bending to kiss him one more time. She is so accustomed to him, to his presence, to his smile that it is not even embarrassing thinking that they are having sex.

She decides that it is her turn to show her skills –her aroused mind suggesting her _make your master proud._ She starts kissing his chest, then his stomach and his belly, enjoying the sight of his perfect body and the curve of his muscles. She leaves a trail of small kisses on his body and she bites a little and he must guess what she has in mind because she feels their bond explode with arousal.

She grins and while she sucks and licks, and he moans under her, she thinks that no pretty senator would probably have done _that_ to him. She prides herself in thinking that she has no problem in giving a blowjob to Anakin – _the pretty senator didn't, it was enough a concession to let him adore her._ She sees him bite his lips in pleasure and thinks that he deserves that.

 _(Ahsoka used to be so jealous of Padmé, of her elegant manners and her fancy dresses and the look of total veneration Anakin reserved for her. She felt so clumsy and ugly and stupid when Senator Amidala was around. She hated Padmé so much when she let Ahsoka understand how intimate she really was Anakin)_

He stops her, he's enjoying it too much.

He lifts himself and takes the top again. He kisses her and plays with her breasts and her belly. He touches her again, drawing little circles around her clitoris; Ahsoka moans and trembles under his touch. They kiss and kiss again and it feels so right to be together that way. Then, almost suddenly he spreads her legs – _and she loves it, she would not let anybody else take the charge, but this is Anakin and he would never hurt or humiliate her._

He is now into her and his trusts are becoming faster and deeper. After a while, he changes their position so he can masturbate her and fuck her at the same time. _He is not like the others she has been with, they were all sweetness and respect and shyness. But this is Anakin and he does not care at all about manners; he will give her pleasure, the most he can, because he loves her and it is what he is supposed to do when he makes love._

She comes, letting out a little scream, not able to block it. She doesn't want to be caught, and she cannot remember if she has closed the door.

He finishes too, biting slightly her shoulder.

They lie there for a while, in silence, as they were before. They are strangely comfortable, their old bond shivering with affection and satisfaction. He turns to kiss her cheek and she closes her eyes, thankful for that small show of love.

 _Nothing is changed tonight, they are still friends and things won't get complicated. They both needed relief and they will steal every minute of peace they can get. Tomorrow they will wake up, he will shout orders around and she will be efficient and unstoppable._

"I'm an horrible person" Anakin states, laughing weakly.

"I totally agree" Ahsoka answers "but may I ask why?"

"Well, in case you didn't notice, I just slept with my apprentice" he explains, still laughing. She opens her mouth to protest, but he continues: "In the scale of bad things you can do as a Jedi, from one to ten, this is at least a four".

She rolls her eyes, more amused than annoyed: "First, I'm not your apprentice anymore, I'm a Knight as you are…"

"Right" he concedes "But…"

"And a lot of masters sleep with their Padawans when they still are master and apprentice!"

"Oh Snips, c'mon! Most of the time it is just silly rumors!" he is now laughing and for once the smile seems to reach his eyes too.

"It's true!" she wines, exactly as she used to do when she was only a girl and he was much younger and happier. (– _Oh c'mon Master! No way, Snips, you won't get a tattoo! Obi-Wan would KILL me)._

"And what about Master Kenobi and _his_ Master?" she crosses her arms, covering her still naked breasts. She looks at him with a knowing grin, aware that discussing Obi-Wan sexuality makes Anakin uncomfortable. He waves his hand as to send the very thought away, but does not reply.

Silence falls again between them, and they both seem lost in thought. Ahsoka thinks lazily that they should wash, but then again they have been covered with things much more disgusting than sex. She remembers when _he_ was shot and she remembers the heavy smell and the thickness of his blood. _Ahsoka was not feeling him anymore and he was dying in her arms. He fell unconscious and she found herself incapable to breath._

Anakin thinks that he should feel guilty for having had sex with Ahsoka. He loves her, even if not in _that_ way, and she was hot, beautiful and willing under his hands. She is not asking anything else from him, nothing more than what he can give. _He gave her love, protection, relief, a shoulder to cry on, he kept her alive and he taught her well._

Ahsoka hopes that he won't regret this, because she is sure she won't. She has desired him since she was fifteen even if, as a girl, she was not really sure of _what_ she desired from him.

They hear the familiar sound of Anakin's com.

"Skywalker here"

"Anakin?" it seems so strange to hear Obi-Wan delicate accent "They need us on Felucia, the Separatists have…" the details of the rescue missions go lost on Ahsoka's hears. She gets up, still naked and heads towards the 'fresher, leaving Anakin to deal with his former Master.

"… Tell Ahsoka to get ready, this will not be easy" concludes Obi-Wan worried voice.

"It is never easy, Master" he answers darkly.

Anakin sights, thinking that at least another impossible mission is probably what they need to go over the sex thing and go back to normal.

They will never speak of it again, and it never affects their relationship in any way. But he will tell Obi-Wan. "You are both adults and Knights, Anakin, if you were both willing I do not see the problem". _He would like to tell him much more, to be aware of the dangers of attachment, but he is so tired of having that conversation with Anakin that he just drops the subject._

 _Obi-Wan and Padmé_

It is funny that they ask him to tell her, but General Kenobi knows that he should have expected it. They have been good friends since when she was the young Queen of Naboo and he was still a Padawan learner. The Council does not know what he has done, and what he has asked her to do, but they will start to suspect something, now. _He tells himself that it was the right thing to do_.

"Milady" he greets her with a polite smile. Senator Amidala is not particularly happy to see Obi-Wan Kenobi because it reminds her of what she has sacrificed at his request and _that_ still hurts. But she smiles anyway, conscious that Obi-Wan acted in their best interest.

"Would you like something to drink, Master Jedi?"

"Oh no, thank you, Senator"

They sit down, on her large couch and he seems tense.

"I think you know why I am here"

She smiles darkly, her sad eyes give him a hard look.

"I can imagine. But my answer is no."

"Padmé" he is the Negotiator after all and he knows that addressing people by their first name is a good way to gain their trust "I understand what you feel like. But this is an important matter…"

"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan" she is as skilled as he is, long years spent in politics: "I think I gave enough to the Jedi Order. They will not have my children too."

"The midichlorian count of your children is too high to be ignored" he speaks the words he has already spoken to many other mothers before "They would make great Jedi".

She stiffens "I will not let you do with my children what they did to Anakin or to Ahsoka".

Obi-Wan sights, admitting to himself that she has a point and deep down he wants to protect Luke and Leia as much as she wants. They could just grow up wealthy and happy. _Anakin would want his children safe and spoiled._ But Anakin is not there, he does not know that he has three-years-old twins and probably hates Padmé for having left him.

"Padmé, you knew this would happen when you decided to keep the babies"

She looks offended, the very idea of getting an abortion outrageous, now that Luke and Leia are born and healthy. _(But she had entertained the thought at first, Obi-Wan suggesting that this was a possible solution because they needed Anakin on the front lines and they needed Padmé fighting her own battles in the Senate. The Republic needed them.)_

He tries again, making an effort to accomplish his task, not admitting that he really wants to fail this time: "Padmé, I am here as a representative of the Jedi Council and as your friend.. You know that I would not ask you this, but our situation is critical at best. We lost so many Jedi during this damned war and we have not enough younglings to fill the losses…"

"I will not let you take them!" She exclaims, good manners forgotten, because she is a mother now and her children are everything she has left.

"Your children have a great potential!" He retorts back.

She glares at him and Obi-Wan thinks that she hates him. _You should have known better, before getting pregnant with Anakin's child._ He is almost ashamed of what he thinks these days, out of rage.

"Master Kenobi" she hisses "You made me promise that I would never say the truth to anyone…You made me promise that even I would _forget_ that they were Anakin Skywalker's babies... Well, General, I forgot and I _do_ think that the Jedi Order can do without my children…"

"But they are, Padmé! I know what I said, but they are his children!"

"They are not!" she yells "You made me marry another man!" Obi-Wan can read her emotions: anger, bitterness, loss, plain desperation "You made me lie to everyone, to my family, to the Holonet, so _he_ would think that I cheated on him, he would think I got pregnant when he was on a mission!"

"He would have left everything for you" he says, simply.

"I know, Obi-Wan" her voice is now low again, but she sounds even more desperate. Her eyes are now teary, but she has cried too many times for all the things that would never be.

"You still love him, don't you?" his voice his sad and sometimes he hates himself for what he has done to her, to them. She looks at him and he knows that yes, indeed, she still loves him. She stands.

"Good day, Master Jedi" her tone is formal again: "You will excuse me, but I have more pressing matters to attend to".

 _The Wedding_

"Senator Organa" Dormè greets him with a little bow, her eyes big with worry.

"She asked of you, Senator" the maid looks like she wants to add something but she falls silent again. Bail follows Dormè through the grand salon, and then to the stairs, up to the bride private quarters. When they enter, Dormè bows again.

"Senator Organa, as you requested, Milady"

Padmé is beautiful in her white wedding dress, even if she looks pale and fragile as a bird.

Padmé nods "You may leave, Dormè" her tone is brisk and it is strange because she is never rude to her maids.

He sits beside her and takes her hands in his. Under all the make-up, it is clear that she hasn't slept in days. Or maybe it is just that Bail knows her too well and can read on her face her same emotion.

"Padmé" he caresses her "I'm here for you"

Padmé squeezes him "He's here" she whispers. Bail doesn't need to ask who _he_ is. She told him everything, about Anakin, their relationship and the babies. She told him that she needed to find an husband soon and that was why she was back together with Clovis – _even if as far as Bail was concerned, the reckless and young Jedi was still a better option than vicious Clovis._

"He is on Coruscant, yes" there's no point in lying.

"I can't" she sobs.

"Yes" he hugs her, stroking her back, as if she were just a frightened child "You are strong, Padmé, you can do this…"

The second Ahsoka touches Coruscanti soil, she wants to leave. She knew this would happen, but she had somewhat hoped that it would not be so _public_. Then again, she has to admit that she was just acting delusional because, of course, the wedding of a famous and young senator is of outmost importance. Anakin doesn't seem to notice anything –nor the posters or the holograms broadcasting a liver report of the ceremony. But Ahsoka knows better; he looks dark, darker than usual, and he has not spoken a word since they entered the atmosphere.

She sights. Basic verbal skills are eluding him and as soon as he finishes his report to the Council he disappears in the lower levels.

Ahsoka sighs again. She is left alone to herself again. She doesn't like to spend time on Coruscant and without Barris, it's even worse; she knows she is not Miss Popular in the temple. She is eighteen years old and she is not hurt by exclusion anymore, but she knows she'll get bored and annoyed. There are a lot of rumors about her and even more about Anakin. A lot of people think that he is not treated like everybody else just because he is the Chosen One. And that she is advantaged too, because she is his apprentice. Rumors about their legacy too and the darkness itself. Some stupid talks about Qui-Gon Jinn (Ahsoka's great great master) that make Obi-Wan sad and Anakin angry.

She is kind of a freak for herself too; with her advanced training in fighting and military strategy and her almost total ignorance of more philosophical and abstract matters she cannot fit well with the young Jedi who live in the Temple. She is no fool, and Anakin doesn't even pretend to have some knowledge to pass in those respects. He was humble enough to suggest weakly that she should take lessons from Obi-Wan or Padmé, but nothing came out of it.

Anakin would very much like to have two things. Asajj Ventress and a lot of alcohol. In that order, preferably. He would like to kick that harpy's ass –and possibly make her pass away in the most violent way he knows. He would enjoy a fighting as a socially acceptable way to take out his anger. He knows this is not the Jedi way and he is a little ashamed of it, but still. They would probably give him a medal –which he couldn't accept because Jedi do not crave such things as honor. And then of course, he would like to get as drunk as possible and lose his consciousness in drinking. Anakin has never really been drunk –ok, apart from that time when he was still a Padawan and wanted to do everything that his Master told him not to, just because. But today is just a special occasion. Padmé is getting married and he is not the broom. She's also pregnant.

This is like Anakin's failures celebration day. He may be an hero, he may have a Padawan, he may have status and power –but he lacks the thing he craves most. Love, the love the woman he worships and respects above all the others. He craves her. And he'll never have her again.

He looks up at the Coruscanti sky and hates everything he is.

 **Ok, I know this was strange –I'm ready for getting insulted XD anyway, read and review :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**IMPORTANT NOTICE: The rating M is not there for fun. This is a dark story and it's hard to take. In this chapter there's no graphic sex but violence, bleeding, hints of non-con and other stuff.**

 **Also, the vignettes are not in chronological order, but the timeline should be clear enough (I try to repeat the characters' ages as many time as possible) :)**

 **Enjoy the reading and REVIEW/FAV/FOLLOW :D**

 **Fading away –part II**

 _Seven Years_

"Skywalker" they greet him, without acknowledging him any rank, as if he still is some anonymous Padawan and not a Knight or a General.

"Yes, masters" he answers, not even bothering to hide his hostile tone. These days he is in open conflict with the council, and he knows Obi-Wan wishes him to stop defying them so blatantly, but they need him out there and ignoring Obi-Wan's suggestions is every day less difficult. ( _They don't talk much these days)_

"A good friend of Senator Amidala you are" Yoda speaks, his fragile voice reflecting his body's weakness. There was a time when Anakin held a great respect for the Grand Jedi Master, but that was such a long time ago he does not even remember.

"I was" he corrects, his entire body freezing. Don't make me do this, he wishes. He has not seen Padmé in seven years. _She's married to another man._

"I have not seen her for years" he admits, shielding heavily his mind. He knows that it is like an open admission of guilt in front of the entire Council, but he wants to protect the dear memories he has of her from their scrutiny.

"Why you did not, not a concern of this Council it is" Yoda warns, his voice authoritative again, recalling the ghosts of a past that is no more "Your old friendship with her you must regain".

"I'm not sure that's possible" Anakin tries to stand his ground, searching for Obi-Wan's eyes in support. His master doesn't meet his gaze and stays silent. Anakin is a little hurt by this. _We were brothers._

"Skywalker" interjects Windu, his scarred face frowning "Amidala is one of the last friends we have in the Senate… Her vote is determining in allowing us to keep charge in the war effort" he concludes dryly.

Anakin sights and this time he doesn't bother to hide the raging fury within him. _They know,_ he tells himself defiantly, _they know what she was –what she is- to me. But they need me._

"Very well" he answers, a text-book answer, the kind of answers he has schooled himself in giving the Jedi Council. He doesn't want to see her. _(He still loves her)._ He hates her. _(He understands and he is so sorry.)_ He wants to see her again and hurt her, like she did with him; not physical pain, no, he has been fighting a war long enough to know that physical hurt is nothing compared to what emotions can do to a human being. _(And he wants to hold her, to kiss her, to make her smile and laugh the way she used to)._

He briefly thinks of Ahsoka, alone, fighting in a difficult system. He should be out there, whit her, fighting side by side, but no, he has to convince a Senator that she should be voting in their favor. Just because, a life ago, they were lovers –Anakin wishes he could think of their relationship as mere sex, but he cannot, he still sees, he still feels the difference. Even with his Snips –and the thought makes him disgusted with himself- it had not been the same.

 _Of husbands and wives_

The first time Padmé understands she is not the only plotting person in the marriage, the twins are three-months old and she is drained with fatigue. Up until that night she pitied Rush and she hated herself for deceiving him trying to make it up for him as best as she could.

"My love" he greets her cheerfully, a half-finished bottle by his side.

"Rush" she says, forcing her voice to sound sweet and loving. _(But it's not the same thing, it's not the same, gentle, sad voice she uses to whisper to her children's ears "Luke and Leia Skywalker, remember this, you are Skywalkers", it's not the low, passionate tone she used to murmur "Ani" in stolen nights during the early outbreak of the war)._

To her surprise her husband laughs. " _Rush"_ he pronounces, mimicking her fake tone "You are a great politician, but stop with charade"

Padmé freezes. "Love" she says "I don't know what you are talking about" she protests. But she knows, she knows very well and some deep part of her gleams with rebellious satisfaction at the thought that he might know.

"Of course you do" he says, getting to his feet and approaching her "I'm not an idiot, Padmé"

She takes a step back. ( _He is a big and strong man and she's a tiny, fragile thing, exhausted by the duties of being a senator and mother at the same time_.)

"You think you are clever" he accuses, shortening the distance between them "You think I don't know" he continues, and now he is so near that she can smell the alcohol in his breath "You think that you can fool me, sleep with me one time and be married?"

She takes another step back, just to find herself cornered against the wall.

He lets out another laugh –but he is not smiling, the laugh a cruel, mocking abuse.

"You are trapped, wife" he grins –and she shivers, and he sees it "By your own lies, nonetheless"

She looks away, but he traps her face between his hands, forcing her to look at him in the eyes. "My dear, little, Padmé" he breaths out "My little, stupid, naïve, Padmé" and he strokes her cheeks, and he's so near she wants to vomit.

"Who was he?" he asks, now inspecting her beautiful features with lust and disgust. She doesn't answer, but she holds his gaze defiantly.

"You want to play?" he asks "Very well, Padmé" and he grips her wrists "We can play"

"Let's suppose I run a midichlorian count on _our_ children"

"You saw it" she replies automatically "They are not strong in the force"

He slaps her. She feels tears gathering in her eyes, and she knows she should be leaving, screaming for help, react in some ways, but the only, stupid thing she can think of is _Anakin._

"Oh I'm sorry" he apologies "I didn't express myself correctly…. Let's suppose I asked a doctor not paid by you or by your precious Jedi Order to run a midichlorian count on _your_ children"

She looks in his eyes again "What do you want?"

"But I'm just doing some polite conversation, here" he says "I just want to know whose whore you were… who's the father of the bastards you made me christen with my name…"

She swallows.

"Luke and Leia" he says –and that hurts, that hurts a lot "What would be of them if their mother died?" he continues "They have no father, after all… They have only me and my good heart and my wealth…"

She starts to breath heavily, fear –not for herself, no, never, she has nothing to lose, not anymore- taking control of her body, fear, for her beautiful, innocent children.

"It's not their fault" she whispers.

"Oh, but I know" he replies quickly "That's why I'll let them have my fortune and live under my name and legacy…That's why I'll never tell them what kind of slut their mother is… That's it, of course, if you respect your part of our little agreement"

"Of course" she whispers weakly "And that would be?"

"You will sleep with me, Padmé, and you will give me a true heir" he says softly, stroking the same cheeks he slapped.

Padmé is now out of breath. _Please, no._ She can't, she cannot. _(Because it doesn't matter how many waking hours she spends trying to forget him, it doesn't matter how many times she tells herself to let him go, she still loves him, and she cannot sleep with another man.)_ But she'll have to and she will do it, because she already did to protect Luke and Leia, and she will do it again.

"And you will tell me who their father is" he threatens. This makes something snap inside herself. _(The memory of brilliant blue eyes sparkling in the dark, sweet words murmured in her ear, the sound of his laugh and the feel of his gentle strokes)._

"It's not your business" she says defiantly.

"Oh, but it is" he says "You know, I want to hear his name from your lips… I want to look into your eyes, while you pronounce his name, to see what kind of true slut-"

The spat interrupts him. It's a small victory –and she knows that she will pay for it. But it's what she needed to do, because the only things she has left are her children and the soft, pure memories of her and Anakin together, young and free and innocent.

He doesn't punish her immediately –he will do it later, forcing himself on her, ignoring her screams and her pleads. He just smiles. "Tell me his name" he repeats "And you can keep both you children"

She shakes her head, tears falling freely again.

"I know it's _him_ " he whispers again "Your precious hero-with-no-fear" he mocks, cruelly "But I want you to be the good girl and pronounce his name aloud… I want you to admit what you did…. You owe me this Padmé, you know you do"

"Let me go" she pleads "If you know…"

"Tell me his name, my sweet wife" he continues "I want you to use that little mouth of yours and say _I'm Anakin Skyawalker's whore…_ You can do it, for sure, you gave birth to his children after all"

She cries harder, dizzy with fear and grief.

"Tell me or I will give Luke to the Jedi tomorrow" he menaces again "And they're dying like flies these days, don't they? Tell me and I'll be a father to your children… They'll never know the difference…" he continues forcing her to meet his gaze again "Tell me and I won't send Skywalker to his death…"

He tries to kiss her, but she bits his lower lip "You cannot harm him" she states, fiercely.

"Oh but I can, my dear, I can" he says, this time able to force the kiss on her "I can ask the Senate that we need a firm sword on some suicide mission… I can send him to some god-forgotten system… I can send his friends to their death… I can _destroy_ him, as much as I can destroy you"

She stares at him and she knows he would do it. He would send one of the twins away –keeping the other to keep his threat valid. He would get Anakin killed. He would ruin him, them, forever.

" _I'm Anakin Skywalker's whore"_ she hears herself pronounce.

 _Glimpses_

"Senator Amidala" he greets her, throwing her a hard look. She looks at him –tall, imposing, dark in his clothes and expression. She searches his face, unconsciously looking for the nineteen year old boy she fell in love with. That boy is still there, somewhere but she cannot spot him –buried under the pain and the anger of a hard man. To her surprise he is the first one to look away. _(He knew that it wouldn't be easy, but, Force, she's still so beautiful –even if she's so much thinner that he remembers and she's not his anymore. He still craves her so much that it is painful to simply hold her gaze)._

"General Skywalker" she nods.

"Your husband is not home?" he asks, before he can stop himself, wanting to hurt himself more than he wants to hurt her.

"He's away for business" she lies –she doesn't know where Rush is but she's glad he is not home.

"Pity" he cracks "I'm sure you two make a wonderful couple" he concludes, his mechanical hand clenching.

"Don't do it" she orders. She got harder, he realizes, harder and sadder. He almost rushes to her, to hug and kiss her, to tell her that everything is ok.

"Do what?" he asks instead –his voice harsher and a little sorer than she remembers _(the result of too many years spent shouting orders in the battlefield)._

"You know what I'm talking about" she replies "We can deal with it like two adults"

"Deal with _what_?" he asks, approaching "I thought you told me last time we saw each other… That there was nothing to deal with, not anymore…"

"I thought you were doing that for the greater good, you know" he continues, unable to stop the cruel, angry, pained words that escape his mouth "I thought you were taking the right decision for the Republic… But you found time to start a family after all…"

"You are a Jedi" she reminds him.

"And you married another man" he hisses.

"And you should accept it" she states calmly. He looks like she has slapped him. _("He'll hate me" "This is the best solution possible, Padmé")._

"I loved you" and that hurts more than every accusation "I loved you and you throw everything away"

"I did what was best" she answers. _I love you, always did, always will._

Anakin shakes his head "The Council wants you to vote in our favor" he says dryly –his voice mechanical and his face a mask of Jedi stoicism. Padmé is a little taken aback by this sudden change, because her _Ani_ was never that good at hiding his emotions. _What happened to you?_

"Aren't you tired of fighting?" she asks, and it is the first sincere thing she tells him.

He lets out a laugh –it's without joy but it doesn't feel like he's mocking her. "I'm a servant of the Republic, Padmé" he is so devastated by the war that it makes him forget about calling her with her title "And the war would be lost already without us" he explains truthfully "They won't let us go… And if I have to die, I prefer to die under my own command"

"You could walk away" she whispers.

He looks at her in surprise "I would have" he says "for _you_ ".

"That's why I didn't want you to" she replies and she wonders how they had come to it, to speak so frankly, like they never did, not even when they were lovers "You should do it for yourself?"

"And leave Obi-Wan and Ahsoka behind, uh? And all my men?" _(He lowers his gaze, a brief image of Ahsoka on him, naked and flushed, invading his mind. Padmé left him, and yet he still feels like he has cheated on her.)_

Padmé doesn't answer to this –her brave Anakin too loyal for his own good.

"Vote for us" he asks "And convince other politicians your friends to do the same" he adds, incapable of letting go.

Padmé nods and secretly agrees to do as he asks. She will pay for her decision –her husband's precious banks would benefit from a change of command.

"I'll see what I can do"

Anakin nods and they fall silent for a moment. His task there is finished and he could just leave and they could just not see each other again. But he cannot say farewell, not any more than she can ask him to leave.

"Do you love him?" he asks, approaching. She doesn't answer, breathing heavily, taking in in their proximity. She has to stop herself from touching him, from cupping his face with her hands and kissing him, asking for his forgiveness, saying she's sorry.

"Padmé?" he speaks again, taking her wrist –and he wonders when she got so _thin_.

"He's my husband" she replies, secretly hoping he will understand that this is not an answer to his question.

"Of course" he says, eyeing her, his face inches from hers. They look at each other and he has to force himself not to kiss her. _It doesn't matter how much embarrassing it is to admit it, but he is aroused just by her proximity. (_ He can read her emotions thought and they don't make sense. She seems so plainly desperate, that sex is probably the last thing she wants –especially with a man who is not her husband.)

But a second later, the door of her private living-room is wide open and a small, blonde figure is rushing into the room, his childish energy contagious.

"Mommy!" he cries happily and he's about to speak again and share with his mother his six-year old world of daily adventures, but he stops. He looks at Anakin curiously –his innocent mind only half realizing that the tall, imposing, man is too near his mommy than it is appropriate, that his grip on her wrist is way too intimate for a Jedi Knight.

 _Force_ he thinks and so many emotions start to gather inside him. He thought he could handle this; he thought that he could handle seeing her happy with her husband and her child, but the truth is that he cannot. The child is the very proof of her rejection and, Force forgive him, he _hates_ him –even if he does realize that he's innocent, that he hasn't done anything to deserve his hate, that his mother's sins should not fall on his small shoulders.

For a moment, there, she's afraid he will attack Luke. Maybe he's thinking the same thing, because the boy takes a step back, his eyes wide with fear and surprise –as always when he feels a threat in the force.

(Realization strikes him in a fraction of second. It just takes the boy's fear expanding all through his force-signature and Anakin _understands_.)

But then, Anakin's eyes widen too, and Padmé doesn't need to be force-sensitive to know what's going on. Anakin leaves her wrist, taking a step back, unconsciously mimicking his son's behavior. He looks from Luke to her and for a brief second she sees the boy she loved –she loves- again; clear, blue eyes, a young face, a surprised expression. (She's amazed at how much they look alike –the resemblance undeniable).

Luke starts to cry suddenly, probably feeling the owhermeling tension between them. She runs to _their_ child and reassures him that the man in black is a good friend of his mommy's and that whatever he felt was not real. Anakin leaves the room without a word, so shocked he cannot even throw another look to the child. _My son_ , he thinks -and it feels so strange but also so right.

He finds shelter in the other living-room, breathing heavily. _That's not possible_ , he tells himself, his instincts telling him the exact opposite. The child is _so_ strong in the force. _(And he has his eyes, the exact, same color, the exact same shape)._ But that's not possible. She left him. She got pregnant when he was on a mission, right? Maybe her husband is force-sensitive, too and the child inherited that from him. _He doesn't believe it for a moment._

"Who are you?" asks a small voice and Anakin startles in surprise. This is even worse than meeting the boy, because the little girl in front of him is so much like Padmé it is ridiculous. Big, brown, eyes stare at him, as if trying to understand if he is a threat or a friend.

"I am Leia Clovis" she announces patiently and she is really like Padmé, mocking her mother's authoritative tone. _(But she is so much like Anakin himself, too; her mischievous grin resembling his own, her fierce look, the fire in her eyes)._

"Who are you?" she repeats, her tone impatient as his own gets when people don't answer him. _Leia,_ he pronounces in his mind – _she's perfect,_ he thinks, a rush of instinctual affection for the little girl gathering in his gut. She must feel it, _she's Force-sensitive too,_ because her eyes go wide and she looks at him with even more curiosity. He feels her clumsy attempt to penetrate his shields and he wonders if she does this intentionally or unconsciously, as many Force-sensitive children do.

"Anakin Skywalker" he blurts out, introducing himself to his _daughter_ –and it doesn't even feel strange this time, because she's _his_ "I am… I'm your mommy's friend"

"Are you a Jedi?" she asks defiantly, pointing at the lightsaber loosely hanging on his belt.

"I am"

"I don't like Jedi" she announces "Every time the other Jedi comes here, he makes mommy cry" she explains.

Anakin wants to ask her why a Jedi would ever visit Padmé but he gets a grip on himself. She is just a small girl, he reminds himself, and with the force potential she and her brother show is only natural for the Jedi to visit them. _They will not have them,_ he thinks furiously and Leia stares at him again.

"I will be a politician one day" she informs him, a proud glint in her eyes.

"A-and you will make a great politician" he concurs. He's shocked by the boy existence, by the fact that he has son, because that would make him a father. But with Leia is different and he's already so much in love with her –and he feels a little guilty about this instinctual, irrational, preference for her. Maybe it's because his only apprentice is a female, but he feels that this little girl - _his little girl,_ he thinks with a rush of overwhelming pride- is the best thing he has ever done.

"You want me to call mom?" she asks, deciding that maybe she could like this particularly Jedi, even if he looks so _dumb_. Leia feels this Jedi is important to her –very important- but she cannot understand why. But he _is_ a friend and she can feel he likes her. _I like you, too,_ she thinks.

"She's with your brother"

"I know" she replies "And he's my twin" she corrects him patiently "That's why I always know where he is".

She gets to her feet and offers him her little hand to take.

Padmé is still hugging Luke and stroking his blond hair, pressing small kisses on his forehead. She spots Leia taking Anakin into the room again –and when she realizes they are holding hands she almost bursts into tears. Anakin looks like he has been hit by a lighting. Their gazes met.

"Padmé" he breaths urgently, stroking a little Leia's hand "We need to talk".

 _Battlefield_

Ahsoka is swirling her lightsabers around her body, efficiently killing and smashing and protecting her men. Anakin is at her side, his aggressive combat style at its best, eyes burning with determination, his Force-signature so powerful, she is almost intoxicated by such a display of raw energy. They are fighting a very difficult battle. Separatists outnumber them by at least ten times and they fight in open field, making their most clever strategies useless and giving them no hope of finding a shelter to catch their breath.

Reinforcements are late and they won't keep going much longer. Ahsoka's entire body is aching with fatigue and adrenaline and she is pretty sure that this is going to be the end. She will die there, at eighteen years of age, a Padawan still, not even making to the Knight rank.

"Stay with me, Commander" Anakin says, but this is not her Master speaking, this is her General giving her a direct order "Obi-Wan will be here any minute" he mutters. But he is tired, too, and he knows that if that wasn't for the girl at his side he would just drop his lightsaber and hope in a quick death.

(His entire body screams with fear and a sudden rush of adrenaline clears his mind.)

He senses the shot, and he knows that it will hit Ahsoka. He guesses, more than knowing it, that the girl has not sensed it –she is protecting Rex, focusing more on the bolts directed at the clone, rather than at herself. The shot will kill her, his senses scream. He has run out of time, thought, he cannot deflects both shots –the one that will kill his apprentice and the incoming fire that is targeting to his head. He has a split of second to decide and he takes his chances.

He throws himself in front of Ahsoka.

He moves so fast she doesn't even see him, but she understands that he's badly injured the moment the shot pierces his flesh. She feels his end of their training bond explode with pain and fear. And what frightens her most is that to her knowledge Anakin Skywalker is never, ever, afraid.

" _Rex_!" she screams "cover us!"

"A-Ahsoka" Anakin's breath is irregular, as he clumsily keeps on fighting. _This is not good,_ he thinks, his mind starting to cloud. He realizes that he is losing a lot of blood and that he needs help, urgently. He forces himself to defend himself, because he may be the hero with no fear, but the hell if he is afraid to die. (He is even more afraid for Ahsoka and his men and he's glad to see his Padawan safe and sound.)

Some remote part of his mind registers that reinforcements have finally arrived –but he cannot stand properly anymore and he drops to his knees.

"Master" Ahsoka is breathing heavily "Stay with me" she orders. _No, no, no,_ she thinks desperately, as he pales, a hand on his stomach.

The dark fabric of his clothes absorbs the color, but when he lifts his hand from his stomach it is covered in blood. Anakin looks at it and knows that it is bad, very bad, that no matter how much strong in the Force you are, a hole in your stomach is going to kill you anyway.

"Master, Obi-Wan's here" he hears her speak from a long distance and feels her hand on his stomach, trying to stop the blood loss. "You will be fine, ok?"

Anakin tries to nod but his head is too heavy (or maybe too light).

"I'm sorry" he mutters, fainting on her.

 _Fear_

One week later, Ahsoka is lazily lying on the couch of her master's apartment. He's in his bedroom, sleeping. He does not do much more than sleeping –the painkillers so strong that even standing costs him some effort. But he is alive and she is grateful for that; even if he is pale and he has lost weight since he was shot.

The door slides open and Master Kenobi enters the room, acknowledging her with a small nod. He's pale too and Ahsoka thinks he has more grey hair in his head. She had never imagined that a Jedi Master could panic, not until she had seen the look on Obi-Wan's face when they had strip Anakin of his clothes to heal him. _But he is alive._

"Where's Anakin?" his true question is _How is he_ but he has at least to pretend some Jedi detachment.

"Sleeping" she replies. Obi-Wan sights, trying to push away the frightening image of his former apprentice dying on Ahsoka. (Anakin was _dying_ and Obi-Wan could feel it through the Force, through their old bond which was slowly fading away.)

"I will need to speak to him" he considers, speaking more to himself than to her "The Council needs a full report…"

Ahsoka just nods and doesn't say anything, even if she is grateful for that attempt to small chat. She needs _normality_. She has been at Anakin's side for all the time of his healing and it has shaken her to see him so weak and unfocused, to listen to his moans and groans as soon as the painkillers effect starts to fade. It has pained her to see the hallucinate look on his eyes, to listen to his vaguely delirious speeches. He is her master, after all, and in her mind he's invincible –to see him so broken and in pain makes her feel unsure, fearful.

They hear noises from Anakin's bedroom and they exchange a long look. Both the master and the padawan consider the idea of giving him help, but they both refrain from the impulse; they know him well enough to understand that their help would be considered an act of pitying, something that Anakin doesn't take well.

Anakin enters the room and Obi-Wan is painfully aware of how thin and sullen he looks. He looks fragile, and that's something Obi-Wan has not thought of Anakin since when he was a small boy.

"Master" Ahsoka squirms and Obi-Wan detects utter terror in her voice. Anakin glances at her, surprised, but Obi-Wan gaze follows the girl's look. _His world sinks a bit_.

Anakin is holding his lightsaber. Worse, he's clenching on it, like a desperate man.

Anakin looks down at his own hand as if he hasn't really realized that he is carrying his sword, just to enter his own living-room. He looks sheepish enough when he puts the saber on the table, murmuring a distracted "Sorry". Maybe Obi-Wan is getting paranoid, but the gesture seems to cost him a lot. What's happening to him? He asks himself urgently. When did he get so paranoid that the first thing he does in the morning is to _grab his lightsaber, -_ even if he knows that he's safe, that he's not going to battle? _He's afraid,_ Obi-Wan realizes. _Fear leads to anger._ But the thing that makes him really alarmed is Ahsoka's reaction; she clearly thinks that the last thing her master should be doing is carrying a lightsaber. But why? _What have you murmured or screamed during these long nights?_ He knows Anakin's nightmares and he knows what the Force feels like around him sometimes.

Anakin gets himself a cup of caf, forcing his body to stand because he knows that the more he waits to get well again, the more time it will take him to be fit enough to fight. And he is everyday more afraid that they will send Ahsoka on a mission alone, without waiting for his full recovery; that would mean risking again her life, but this time without him to protect her. ( _He doesn't remember much of his little incident, but knows why he got shot, and he knows that she could have been injured, she could have been dead and Anakin is so afraid that next time he won't be fast enough or strong enough.)_

His mechanical hand clenches and he realizes that he's not wearing his protective glove. He's a little embarrassed by it, a constant reminder of his own failure.

"Anakin!" he hears Obi-Wan cry, and he looks down at himself. A big, red stain of blood is rapidly expanding on his sleeping tunic. The next thing he knows is that strong arms are supporting him and gently laying him on the couch.

He blacks out.

 _The plan_

"Anakin is the father" he says, and it's not a question, it is a statement. The truth evident the moment she tells him "I'm with child", tears gathering in her eyes.

Bail Organa is there, too, gently stroking his friend's hand.

"How did it happen?" he asks, astonished, and he regrets it immediately. Of course, he knows how _it_ happened and it's not like he didn't know about their little… affair. What he would like to know is _why_ they _weren't_ careful, _how_ they could be so stupid. A Jedi Knight and a Senator behaving like two aroused teenagers.

"Have you told him?" he speaks again, even if knows that, too.

Padmé shakes her head "I found out a week ago" she explains "He was already on Felucia".

Obi-Wan nods and he strokes his beard.

"The Jedi Order doesn't prohibit having children" Obi-Wan admits "As long as he renounces to every paternity privilege over the child, there should be no problem"

 _What am I saying?_ He thinks, the mere suggestion of Anakin letting go a child of his sounding stupid to his own ears. He would never, ever, abandon the child. He would give the galaxy up –not to mention the Jedi Order- for Padmé and their child. (And it's with a grave heart that Obi-Wan realizes that it is his duty to _prevent_ this.)

"He will never accept" Padmé says, her voice small, her eyes watering again.

Obi-Wan throws her a glance of pure compassion.

"Have you" Obi-Wan clears his voice –this is so difficult to say it and he knows that Anakin would probably kill him with his bare hands for having thought something like that "Have you considered the idea of _not_ having the child?"

Padmé jolts "Yes" she says, lowering her gaze "Rationally, I have". Of course, clever, rational Padmé would have considered the possibility.

"I can't" she adds and it's clear why –this is her child, _their_ child, it's part of her and part of the man she loves. She wants it.

Obi-Wan swallows.

He _hates_ himself. But he is a Jedi and he cannot think only of Padmé and her child. He has to think of all the mothers and children that would suffer if Anakin was to leave the Jedi Order. _He's not stupid and he knows that his apprentice's skills are serving them well in that damned war._ He has to think of _others,_ not of the people he loves. He cannot give his blessing to this woman, even if they have been friends for years now, even if he greatly respects her; he cannot let Anakin, the man he considers something halfway between a son and a brother, be happy. He has to act in the name of the greater good.

He has to think of Ahsoka, too, and about the dangers of severing a training bond before the apprentice is ready to go. He has to consider Padmé's importance, as well. They cannot afford to lose her, not any more than they can afford to lose Anakin.

"We need Anakin on the front lines" he admits "And you fighting your own battles, Padmé… A relationship with a Jedi Knight would destroy your career…" he says truthfully. The same idea of his two friends so exposed makes him shiver. They would _humiliate_ Padmé –women always found guiltier than men in love affairs.

"We could hide the child… At least until… Until this war ends" Obi-Wan reflects again "Anakin has some relatives left on Tatooine, hasn't he?"

But Padmé shakes her head with energy "He hates Tatooine, he would never forgive us"

"He doesn't have to know" Obi-Wan replies softly.

"I could take the child" Organa interjects, stroking again Padmé's hand "Breha and I would love him as if he was our child… And you could visit anytime you want…"

"She couldn't, Anakin would figure out" Obi-Wan states "Tatooine is the best option"

But Padmé shakes her head again "I want to keep the baby" she pronounces, dryly.

Obi-Wan massages his temples, trying to force himself to think. He is the Negotiator, after all. He's the mind behind many battle strategies and diplomatic agreements. Finding a solution to this situation will not be different.

"I thought you had ended this after Geonosis" he confides, falling on the couch.

"We did" Padmé explains dryly "We had planned… We had planned to marry" she admits, and Obi-Wan must look shocked because she quickly adds "We didn't".

"But after some months… I mean, you are allowed to-" she stops, blushing slightly.

Obi-Wan nods "We are allowed to have sexual relationships, yes" he concedes –remembering with sudden clarity the rainy afternoon he had explained this to a very blushing, very young, Anakin "But we are not allowed to form attachments and Anakin has been attached to you since he was nine".

Padmé lowers her gaze again. _She blames herself._

"I have an idea" Obi-Wan speaks again –and he feels nauseous because what he is about to say is going to make Anakin suffer, and it is going to ruin Padmé's life.

"You have to convince him the child is not his" he says and, ignoring her look of hurt and surprise, he adds "You won't tell him you are pregnant… You will send him a holo where you say it's over, that you don't lo-" Obi-Wan stops, incapable of pronouncing that dangerous word "That you cannot go on like this…"

Padmé looks at him with sheer horror and Obi-Wan grits his teeth.

"He won't believe you, of course, if he finds out that you are pregnant when he gets back" Obi-Wan continues "So, you have to find somebody else …. And Anakin has to believe that story… You will release a very public interview… You are a young, beautiful, Senator and you are very popular among the people… the gossip magazines will fall for it… You will tell everybody that you are happy and that you are with child… But, of course, you will have to say you got pregnant after, when _he_ was on mission" he adds, and he knows that Anakin will believe it –he fears _betrayal_ and as such he's prone to believe it.

"He will hate me" Padmé whispers.

Obi-Wan nods "And that's exactly why he will never find the truth".

"We could have been happy" she states. It will take her a while, but she will eventually agree with him. She will do exactly as he says, because she trusts him and she knows what her duty is.

"I'm so sorry, Padmé" he concludes truthfully "But this is the best thing we can do... We cannot afford to _lose_ him."


End file.
